Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

I had run out of hope.

Fireball streaks through aurora-filled skies photo of the day for June 5, 2025 - Space

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

It’s here now, writing to you.

You are like me, then.

First look: The new Pedro Pascal-narrated space show in NYC - Time Out

I was tired of fighting.

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

Rare Red Sprites Captured Lighting up the Tibetan Night Sky Like Jellyfish-Shaped Firework - My Modern Met

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

And the sadness?

Building the 'Moonhouse': Q&A with artist Mikael Genberg - Space

I was tired of trying and failing.

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

It’s still here.

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You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

What should I do if a girl whom I love asks me to be her friend?

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

Why cant school buses ditch kids who are late to the bus at the school? Like on the way home, if a kid is late when all the others arrived to the bus on time, why cant they leave the late kid behind since its not fair to the on time kids to wait?

The sadness was still there.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

Have you ever seen your wife being fucked?

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

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Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

Be who you already are.